@vivalacrap

I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex

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@Xalqee

If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser

@weinerdog4life

Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: “Am I pretty?”

3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”

Me: “Am I handsome?”

3-year-old: “No.”

@SheWhoShouts

Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.

@Reverend_Scott

Wife: “Notice anything?”

Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”

Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”

@truegritrumble

My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.

@Book_Krazy

Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow

Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*

Me: He means a graph

Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY

@rebrafsim

Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]

Mortician: we’re gonna need that back

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?