If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
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Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?