I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
You Might Also Like
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey鈥檚 Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Daughter: Mommy, what鈥檚 that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i鈥檝e seen their work. no thanks.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude鈥檚 a loser with a crappy bomb who鈥檚 crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 馃檮馃槄 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 馃グ馃挄
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
When I鈥檓 feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I鈥檓 16 again
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 馃槓
ME (from beyond): 馃榿
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won鈥檛 make that mistake again.