I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
You Might Also Like
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
These aren’t even hard anymore.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Sooo many times…..
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”