‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
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HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.