I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
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I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
you stereotypes are all alike
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo