I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
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It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Lmbo
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this