i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
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if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.