I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
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ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family