I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
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Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
there’s probably a fee though
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket