I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
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When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me