I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.
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If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
The absolute effort that went into this omg
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
