I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
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My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
First rule of flight club…no penguins.