I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
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Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?