I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
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England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
United Steaks of America
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.