“I need a beer, you want one?”

– me, helping my son with his Legos

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Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.


Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.


INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?


I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say


“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now


You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.


Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.

Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…


My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.


[first day as doctor]

ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news

PATIENT: what is it

ME: I amputated the wrong hand


I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.