@iwearaonesie

“I need a beer, you want one?”

– me, helping my son with his Legos

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@MrsGoose69

Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.

@sploosk

INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?

@SabrinaAsh4

I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say

@donni

“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now

@SoVeryBritish

You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.

@aissalanis

Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.

Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…

@Brianhopecomedy

My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[first day as doctor]

ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news

PATIENT: what is it

ME: I amputated the wrong hand

@JulieSnark

I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.