“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
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Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Punctuation Matters. Period.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”