I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
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peep davidson
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks