If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
You Might Also Like
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.