I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.

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If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.


I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.


When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed


Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?


My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.


Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.

Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ


I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.