“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
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You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.