I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
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If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.