I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
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Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
welp
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”