I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
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i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*