I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
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HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Why do meteors always land in craters?
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*