@PettyRuxpin83

I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.

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@insoMOMniac

Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.

Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]

***6 months later***

Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?

Me: … [whispers] meow.

@murrman5

Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.

@Book_Krazy

Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?

Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?

@theshantilly

How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?

@darth_erogenous

when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again

@SamGrittner

POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”

@Parkerlawyer

Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.

Anyone want to trade jobs?

@ddsmidt

Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.

Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”

@IamJackBoot

Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.

“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”