I need a long hot meteor shower
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I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
a lot to unpack here
You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Birds & Planes.
