I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
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“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Only Americans understand
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this