I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
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The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
nothing saves money like being antisocial
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Guy who likes music
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Home #decor warning.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is