I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
You Might Also Like
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
For the baby who has everything
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago