I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
You Might Also Like
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it