i need a six-month vacation twice a year
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Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.