Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.

[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second

oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife

“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”

“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”

Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.

i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.

Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.

What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?

Amateur

Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.

Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”

Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.

I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.

If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”

you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school

Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.

Meth is short for Elizameth.

WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???

British websites use biscuits.

“and this lake shall be called Superior”

all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”

gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”

omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo

remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me

Her: So do you like hash browns?

Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns

My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.

Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months

Reporter: so what happened?

Scientist: it’s dead.

Me: My son totaled another car.

Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?

M: yes

P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!

Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.

My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me

Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states

Him: yeah?

*steals his car*

If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.