“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
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My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Bloody internet 😳
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?