I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
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I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics