“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
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If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him