I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
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“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.