I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
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[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.