“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
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Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate