“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
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Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
tis the season
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected