“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
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How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.