I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
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“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
#have a #great #PancakeDay
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.