I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
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10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
i made a craigslist ad !
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”