I need better friends
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[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?