I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
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My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.