I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
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[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
podcasts
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
hackers play passwordle
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …