I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
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So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.