I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
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Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Someone just threatened to call me later
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
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