I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
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Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
My circle of trust is a meatball
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
No, he would not have.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!