I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
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If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school