I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
You Might Also Like
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
An odd boast
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.