I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
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The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal