@kelkulus

I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.

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@KimmyMonte

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

@envydatropic

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

@Darlainky

*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*

Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…

Me: *starts digging again*

@dorsalstream

My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.

@SirEviscerate

DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*

@juliareinstein

pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates

@SpicyGinger69

She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.

@mayygg

me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.

also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*

@skitzoette

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.