I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
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[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Kids: Stay in school.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
men, we mow at sunrise.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
*looks at you in batman voice*
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.