@shesananteater

I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.

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@NikkiGlaser

Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart

@AnOrangeSNES

[Commercial for narrators]

Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS

@ArfMeasures

[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!

@anerdonfire2

Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.

@MumInBits

5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend

@djdarrellripley

Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.

Me: Yes, is it still 666?

@ddsmidt

Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.

@swiftenhaal

If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.

@iwearaonesie

Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

@whatsJo

Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no