I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
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“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Something Saturday.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind