@BlackManMoney

I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.

You Might Also Like

@Lisa_Laughs_

I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.

Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.

@kimtopher22

I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”

@spokendamsel

This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.

@Staggfilms

MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?

DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.

@MiddlingMs

I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.

@SladeWentworth

I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.

@FadeAway2

You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .

me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .

@MarfSalvador

[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour