I need to get some bricks…
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Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
I support this random dude and all his protests
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people