I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
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I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
(Musicians.)
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Chicago sounds lovely.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.